February 20, 2009

An Open Letter

To the various people I see throughout my days.

To the white-blonde guy who walks past the bus-stop in the mornings,
You are a very striking looking guy. If I had your bone structure and hair colour, I would consider going on the cover band circuit as a Billy Idol impersonator.

To all the women I see wearing office casual, with jogging shoes,
It weirds me out and I don't know why you do it. Do you just wear them when you're on your way home and keep a cooler pair of shoes in your bag or something? Doesn't that get annoying? Do you really think joggers go with those classy duds you have on? Seriously, you look hella hot from the ankles up. White joggers should never have been invented.

To the girl I drooled over on Thursday morning,
I really liked your shirt, because it had a big blue and red target on it and reminded me of Tank Girl. You wore those denim short-shorts so well, and your hair was luscious. And then as I got close enough to pass you, I noticed you had freckles all over. You are so gorgeous.

To the 3 hot American jerks wearing hospital scrubs on the train this morning,
You reminded me of Scrubs, and for that, I thank you. You are all superbly hot.

To the witty bus driver I occasionally get on the way home,
Thanks for not being a sadsack jerk like all the other ones. I like how you try to joke with every single passenger. It may make the journey take longer, but it makes everyone happier.

To the people who press the crossing button repeatedly,
This will not make the lights change any faster. In fact, it does nothing at all. You really don't even need to press that button, because the traffic lights are not dictated by how many pedestrians need to cross the road. They are all timed, and if you just wait, your turn will come.

To the people who press the crossing button while I'm leaning on it,
Get the hell away from me. You know I already pressed it, I'm leaning on it. You just stepped into my space bubble, and for that you should die. Step away from me.

To the person serving the counter at the Mexican place,
I still haven't figured out if you're a man becoming a woman, or a woman who looks like a man becoming a woman. Whatever you are, you're hot, and your hair is the highest beehive I've ever seen. Props.

To my coworker,
It's not funny or cool when you diss on your wife.

To the lady at the chemist counter,
I'm sorry for the look of shock and indignation I gave you when you told me how much my prescription would cost. I guess I'm not used to Big Medicine raping my bank account. It's not your fault.
To my brother who when I walked into work this morning said "Nice dress. Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?",
That was actually pretty fucking funny.

To Janeane Garofolo,
I wish we could be best friends. We could get real drunk and dance to My Sharona, talk about the indie music scene and watch Mike Judge cartoons. You could teach me how to properly apply eyeliner, then we'd go op-shopping for Doc Martens. After that we could go sit in the park and talk about the 'normals', while dreading each other's hair and reading Sylvia Plath to each other or something. Maybe we could get matching Gonzo-fist tattoos. If you're into it. Call me.


  1. completely agree on the pressing the pedestrian button while you're standing right next to the post. Someone did that to me the other day, I dont bother pressing it, especially if the dude across the road is so overly eager to see some cars stop, and this stupid bitch LEANS around me saying "eh excuse me" and pressed the button... I felt like slapping her a backhander and telling her to chill the fuck out, the traffic is designed to let you cross you impatient, personal space invading fool. kudos :)

  2. I am a button pusher. I stand next to the button and press it over and over until the light changes. It's just a thing I do, please don't judge me.

  3. Not to be a jerk, dude. But the button needs to be pressed to initiate the phasing sequence for peds to cross!

    And pressing it multiple times is just awesome fun.

  4. To Zombietron,
    I would love to be your best friend but I am not as cool as Janeane and I press the buttom multiple times because of my OCD (LOL).

  5. Hey all...I see I've pushed a button (hehe) with my irrational anger at button-pushers.
    I'm sorry. I don't hate you. It's just that most of my time spent being a pedestrian is on my way to work, so I'm already in a pretty bad mood.
    I forgive you all.

    Oh and...no...it only initiates the green man to flash when you push it. Most inner-city lights will flash green regardless of whether the button has been pushed or not. Further out in the suburbs though, you do have to push it for it to flash green, but even if it doesn't, if you watch the flow of traffic you can correctly time your walk. I'm...so...pedantic.


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