February 5, 2009

Dear Stephen King

I love you. Maybe one day we can have babies that inherit your talent. But I'll keep my last name when we marry, and our children can be called King-Llewellyn, so that they will carry on our name...well mostly mine...and bring great honour to my already awesome family that is descended from Welsh Princes. Princes, Kings, it was destined to be.

Perhaps you could take me under your wing and teach me all the secrets that you didn't put in On Writing - I know you have more secrets, because you wouldn't just give that shit away for free. I mean, yes I paid for that book. Do you have some kind of note card system, where everytime you think of something that is evil and soul-destroying, you write it down, then you put them all in a hat and draw out three?
"Okay let's see what the cards say today. There's a....clown who....eats children....and he lives in the sewers!"
"Okay we've got a...bad cop who....kills everyone in sight....but he's actually a flesh suit for an evil being!"
I'm pretty sure I have you figured out Stephen King.

But then you trip me up with your unbelievably horrifying stories that are so simple. Like being handcuffed to a bed for a weekend, or trapped in a hot car by a rabid dog. Can I just let you know, I fainted and threw up while reading Gerald's Game. That's how highly I think of you.
I don't think I've ever read one of your books and NOT loved it.

Sometimes I get carried away and I imagine you are the incarnation of the Lord here on earth, and I think, you sneaky sneaky deity, trying to blend in with us mere mortals. How else would you be able to put on paper that which harrows us and makes us praise you that we are not in such a situation (hello, Pet Sematary)?

In all seriousness I'd like to thank you for creating so many awesome female characters - that's probably my favourite thing about your stories, and perhaps the reason I find myself sucked into a different world so often whilst reading. I'm not alienated by a useless screaming head with no character - your women are plunged into terror, and they don't always keep their head, but they always go it alone and they're JUST LIKE ME. You've written heroes that are women, villians that are women, and victim-hero women who defeat the evil men in their lives. Thanks for reminding us all that girls can kill an evil clown with a sling-shot, murder an entire prom with their mind, or kidnap an author and keep him in her house. ;)

Also, I love happening upon random columns you've written, or interviews with you where you lay the smackdown. Not to mention that you live in the greatest house known to man.

To quote Oasis...I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.

PS...You look like a character from Dr Seuss.
PPS...Here's what happens when I get bored and think about Cujo.


  1. Booyah! You just said EVERYTHING I ever wanted to say to the God himself...

    By the way, I recommend you read the Gunslinger series. I know that the blurbs totally put you off but please PLEASE do it. I gave in one day and ended up reading and investing in the whole damn series.

    please be patient with it though, it does take time. You need to get about a third of the way through the first one before it sucks you in but suck you in it does, BIG TIME!

    I apologise for all of the capitalised words but you have no idea how awesome it is! Please heed my advice. You won't regret it, I promise.

  2. I have read the first Gunslinger and I did fucking LOVE it, but I've had a hard time finding the rest of the series, coupled with my deciding not to binge on Stephen King for a while and give some other authors a chance.
    Whenever I start reading his books, I usually don't come out of my King-Cocoon for about a month.

  3. Seriously, dude - Gerald's Game is the scariest f***ing book I've ever read, mainly because it's so damn believable. King's a master at taking a normal, everyday things (well, ok, bondage rape in a secluded cabin in the middle of nowhere is hopefully not an everyday thing, but you get the idea)and turn them into absolutely terrifying stories. I mean, I haven't chained ANYONE to a bed since I read it!!!!

  4. Amen to that! I could not sleep for days afterwards because that shadow in the corner of my room could have been hiding a man...a REAL man. That was the part that screwed me up the most, it wasn't just her imagination. HE WAS THERE! AAHHHHH...
    Excuse me while I go think about sunshine and fairies.

  5. I think the lone dog barking and getting closer and closer in Gerald's Game pretty much ruined my life.

    Pet Semetary=love for me. It was epic. I never read Cujo, just saw the movie. Also, Pet Semetary and It (the films) are non-stop hilarity. They are just so very broke.

    That house is pretty awesome.

    I haven't read his more recent series because I don't even know where to begin.


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